When Actions Don’T Match Words Psychology?

When Actions Don
Tags: Actions match words, blowing hot and cold, commitment resistance, denial, emotional unavailability, Fallback Girls, fantasy relationship, friends with benefits, Future Fakers, Future Faking, Landmarks of Healthy Relationships, passive aggression, status quo of relationships I see so many people practically getting a Ph.d in investigating what someone said but didn’t back up with words, or investing themselves in something that looks like a relationship but the other party has said things to the contrary, that I felt it was time to break it down.

If the person appears to behave like they’re in a relationship by exhibiting the hallmarks of one such as spending time with you, sleeping together, introducing you to people, acting like you’re in a relationship, but then says that they don’t want to commit, that you’re “just friends” or ‘Friends With Benefits’, or denies that you’re even together, or says they’re not ready, their cat’s stuck up a tree, they haven’t got clean drawers, their budgie died when they were five, or whatever, if you continue, you’re ignoring the fact that their words don’t stack up with what you believed to be the actions of a relationship.

This is basically not seeing the wood for the trees because you’ll be telling yourself that action speaks louder than words, as if having the hallmarks of a relationship without the landmarks of one, trumps someone essentially disrespecting you and your relationship.

  • You don’t realise they are lessening their responsibility, managing down your expectations, and telling you that you have the wrong end of the stick.
  • This isn’t a relationship so whatever you’re reading into things, it doesn’t hold the same meaning for me.
  • I don’t feel the same way.” It’s time to ask yourself what the hell you’re doing with someone who will shag you, get an ego stroke, play house etc but then say things that completely contradict that? When they say stuff like “I don’t see myself settling down with you”, you must be thinking “What the what now? Pur-lease! They don’t know their own mind!” That’s like thinking they’re a bit thick and need some hand holding in the relationship department.

However, when someone says any of this “I don’t want a relationship” and other such BS that contradicts their so-called action, it’s a get out clause and forewarning, If you continue, they assume you know the deal and recognise that how they’re acting is with a backdrop to what they originally said.

  1. They haven’t changed their mind.
  2. On the flipside, I come across an incredible number of people who are sold on the wing and a prayer of words,
  3. Some have been interacting with people who have never had their actions match the words that come out of their mouth for over five decades.
  4. That’s some heavyweight Future Faking with an even heavier does of denial, rationalising, and minimising,

When you allow someone to persistently and consistently talk a good game without delivering, it’s like allowing them to bend over in your life and fart an incredible amount of hot air. You may be thinking “Oh but they said it so they surely must have intended it” or “People who don’t love you or don’t want a relationship don’t talk like they’re in a relationship” or “They must say this stuff because they intend to do it and then it must be something about me that’s making them not do it so if I love them enough and become a loveable person then they’ll finally come up with the goods”.

These people are a violation of the Trade Descriptions Act while selling you goods under deception. Really, being with someone who talks but fails to act, is like calling up one of those chat lines over and over again. “What’s your fantasy today?” they ask, barely disguising their boredom while cutting their toenails.

“Tell me about the type of relationship we’re going to have, the things you would do, where you would take me and then tell me all the excuses for why you won’t do any of those things and then reel me in again with some more Future Faking” I know I’ve said this many times but if actions and words don’t match, you’ve got problems.

Match, match, match, match, match, When someone is a person of integrity, they act like they’re in a relationship and talk they’re in a relationship because they think like they’re in a relationship. People whose actions and words don’t match have a disconnect with their thinking which is reflected in their actions and words, which also causes them to not live congruently with values they profess to have and desires, needs, and expectations they claim.

The disconnect means they undermine what they say and do. They don’t match because they don’t commit to what they say and/or they don’t commit to what they do. The person who acts one way and says something else is talking themselves out of any perceived commitment to you so they can lessen their vulnerability and responsibility.

  1. The person who says one thing and then does another thing entirely or nothing at all, is passive aggressively acting themselves out of any perceived commitment.
  2. The longer you hang around, the more they realise that you buy the fantasy so they take their foot off the peddle and just keep farting that hot air, occasionally throwing out a little action in times of panic and then gradually undermining it all over again once they think it’s safe to.

This means that there’s no point latching onto what they say about being in a relationship with you if they don’t act like they’re in a relationship with you, and there’s no point latching onto the fact that they appear to act like they’re in a relationship with you but they tell you that you’re ‘just friends’ or that it’s ‘casual’.

  • If you don’t have a match, you don’t have a relationship but you do have problems,
  • No match, no healthy, mutual relationship but you’ll definitely have a whole load of mind effery going on.
  • When someone’s actions and words don’t match, you can never truly trust in them or where your relationship is headed, which by the way is nowhere.

You’ll be left hungry for substance and very confused. Just because an ex did those things with you and called you their boyfriend/girlfriend or you ‘feel’ like you’re in a relationship, or your feelings within this pseudo relationship are that of someone in a relationship doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship or that you know better than someone who’s acting or saying differently.

Actions do speak louder than words but don’t get it confused. When it’s not a match, the actions tell you everything you need to know. If someone appears to act like they’re in a relationship but says different, it means that the actions are now those of someone who is not in a mutual relationship with you, which means you’re feeling and giving in what you perceived to be a relationship and now need to roll back.

If someone says they’re in a relationship, but doesn’t back it up with action, their actions contradict it or they even do nothing at all, it also means that not only is this clearly not mutual, but it doesn’t exist as stated, which is verging on a fantasy relationship.

If actions and words don’t positively match, which means you have hallmarks and landmarks, you’ve got problems. You will have even greater problems if you fail to recognise the disconnect and push your flush handle. The funny thing is that when they do match, you know where you’re at, and when it’s a good match, you’re not spending your life feeling mind screwed and ‘hungry’ for substance.

Your thoughts? For a no holds barred guide to actions not matching words, check out my book and ebook Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl in my bookshop, Add to favorites

What is it called when someone’s actions don’t match their words?

You may not be familiar with the term ” cognitive dissonance,” but it’s the phrase psychologists use to describe a phenomenon that you likely encounter regularly, if not daily. We humans probably always have, though it wasn’t until the 1950s that the social psychologist Leon Festinger outlined its theory and named it.

  1. Since then it’s become one of the most influential theories in psychology.
  2. 1 ) “Cognitive dissonance is basically this phenomenon whereby we have a natural drive for consistency, in that our belief system must be consistent with itself and it must be consistent with our actions,” says Matt Johnson, PhD, a professor and research fellow at Hult International Business School who is based in Boston.

But that consistency doesn’t always happen, and distress can arise as a result. Festinger’s original premise was that humans prefer to live in a stable world, in which beliefs are consistent with one another and actions align with beliefs. So when you fall out of that perfect harmony and either think or act in opposition to your belief system, tension builds and you become distressed.

  1. That distress is called dissonance.
  2. The theory further suggests that present actions can influence subsequent beliefs and values, a conundrum psychologists have noted when studying cognitive dissonance.
  3. Our beliefs and values should determine our actions, not the other way around — right? But if we accept that our beliefs or values can influence our actions and that our actions can influence our beliefs or values, that helps explain a lot of very common human tendencies: like our tendency to rationalize or justify behavior, or the way our beliefs and values change as we navigate different situations in life, and that common human pitfall, hypocrisy.

( 2 ) It’s a universal feeling that all humans have to deal with. “Cognitive dissonance is common to everyone as we encounter different decisions and experiences in our lives that may challenge our existing belief systems or contradict some of our current behaviors,” says Corrine Leikam, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist based in Woodland Hills, California.

RELATED: Cognitive Dissonance Happens in Real Life All the Time Why is it important to think about how cognitive dissonance relates to your own health and wellness? Because the mental or emotional distress it can cause can definitely affect your health and well-being. The intensity of the discomfort that comes from cognitive dissonance depends somewhat on personality.

People who are flexible enough to adjust their thoughts or live with “gray areas” may not have a strong response when they notice the discrepancies. “Some people may experience it more intensely or frequently if they have a high need for consistency in their lives,” Dr.

What is it called when your actions match your words?

How Deceptions Diminish Us – What exactly is integrity? According to the American Heritage dictionary, it is the “steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code,” and “the quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.” Integrity, then, is having high principles and keeping those standards consistent throughout all the different realms of your life.

  • One of the first places integrity issues show up is in our language patterns.
  • When we are ” in integrity,” our words match our actions. As Dr.
  • Seuss put it, “We say what we mean and we mean what we say.” When we break from this pattern and say things we don’t really mean, we move “out of integrity.” You’ve probably seen this dynamic in action many times.
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Do you know someone who agrees to things readily but then never seems to be able to show up for his or her agreements? Do you have friends who tell white lies or who “stretch” the truth? Do you know individuals who present themselves as experts on topics they have little or no experience with — who have plenty of opinions but little applicable knowledge to back it up? Do you have friends who say critical things behind each other’s backs, or who say disempowering things about themselves? These are just a few common ways that people deprive themselves of the potential power of speech.

  1. Language is meant to power our dreams into physical reality,
  2. When we “spend” our language on half-baked ideas, small fibs, or passionate views on topics we don’t fully understand, when we use language destructively or we say things we don’t really mean, we lose personal power.
  3. We lose the ability to manifest and embody our highest choices and dreams.

Personal power comes from being in integrity and diminishes whenever our integrity is undermined. And lying is one of the ways we do that. The dictionary offers several subtly different definitions of the word “lie,” but all of them are unified by one common theme: the intent to deceive.

Of course, the act of deliberately deceiving someone is at complete odds with the commonly valued ideal of “being nice.” And yet, at some point or another, most of us catch ourselves thinking: What does it hurt to tell a little white lie every once in a while? What lying does, as a rule, is to create multiple realities.

When you lie, reality splits, or “dis-integrates.” You now have one reality that you know and live in, knowing the “truth” about a particular issue, and you have another reality that the people to whom you’ve lied live in, which is designed around somewhat or totally different information.

The people to whom you have lied make decisions and choices based on the reality they inhabit, but it’s a different reality than the one you inhabit, so that split will now influence your relationship and your common future. The problem is, you are creating this potentially huge disintegration without having any real way of knowing what the repercussions of that reality split will be down the road.

You can’t know how this separate reality might play out in the future, and you can’t really know whether the net outcome for this other person will be better or worse than the course of the reality that might have resulted if you had told the truth. The more lies you tell, of course, the more multiple versions of reality you create and must live with.

  1. That’s an enormous responsibility, and it can be very energy draining because it literally costs your integrity — the state of being connected, sound, consistent and undivided.
  2. You may feel pulled in a thousand directions, or plagued by the fear and potential shame of having all these “custom-made” realities come crashing down around you.

You may even start to feel unsure of whether you can fully know or trust yourself.

Should I believe words or actions?

Follow the Action: Behavior Speaks More Truth Than Words “Actions speak louder than words,” goes the saying. Yet whether this is true or not depends on what we take “louder” to mean. In some ways, words are, in fact, “louder” than actions—they account for much of the noise in our environment. When Actions Don Source: Alpha Stock Images A better way to interpret this line is that actions often speak more truthfully than words. This intuitive idea applies in many realms of life. For example, in detecting one’s state of mind, or whether one is, tends to tell us more than do words.

  • In, one is well advised to “” as the money trail will lead us to who, and what agenda, is truly behind the outcome or policy being pursued.
  • The saying, “Don’t tell me what you value, show me your budget,” often attributed to, reflects a similar sentiment.
  • Your stated priorities, your PR, and your spin may tell one story, but your budget—where you spend your money—tells a truer tale of what is important to you.

The principle applies in the realm of self-understanding as well. If you want to know what you like, believe in, and find important, then look at your behavior. You may surprise yourself. Often, what we tell ourselves we value is not what our actions bespeak.

  • When you see a gap between your words (or thoughts) and your actions, trust the actions, not the words.
  • As they say in Hollywood, “Don’t believe your own bullshit.” Another useful derivation of this principle is this: To understand the true goal of a certain action, look at the actual outcome.
  • Quite often, you can discern where someone truly wants to be by looking at where they keep ending up.

This principle, however, only applies under three conditions. First, it applies better for those specific, non-incidental types of outcomes that are unlikely to be stumbled upon by chance or mistake. One may stumble upon a nice pebble on the beach during a sunset stroll, but one does not commonly stumble upon a nugget of gold lest one goes searching for it with dedication.

Thus, if someone ends up finding gold, then it is safe to assume that finding gold was the goal to begin with. Likewise, if someone ends up in a position of great social power, chances are that power was their actual deep motive to begin with, regardless of their stated aims and preferences. As a rule, you don’t stumble onto great power.

Second, this principle holds best for patterns, not anecdotes. That is to say, one failure to achieve a stated goal is probably just that—a failure. But a pattern of repeated failure to achieve a stated goal may mean that the stated goal is not the true goal.

  • More often than we’d like to admit, our stated are in conflict with—and a cover-up for—our true, unstated ones.
  • For example, if peace is not achieved despite repeated attempts, then perhaps the two sides are benefitting from, and thus seeking to maintain, the state of war, regardless of their claims and declarations to the contrary.

Third, the principle holds in environments where people actually have adequate choices and options. If people are powerless in their environment, then the outcome is more likely due to environmental conditions, and attributing it to personal goals, wishes, or values is unwise.

  • Thus if I’m a patient in the hospital and a nurse wakes me up every four hours to check my vitals as part of hospital procedure, then we cannot conclude that it is my wish to be awoken and poked repeatedly.
  • On the other hand, if I find myself repeatedly in stormy relationships, then odds are that being in the middle of a storm is my true aim, regardless of how much I purport to desire calm.

Understanding this principle helps clarify and predict future behavior. For example, if we accept that the deep goal of those who achieve a position of great power is to be in power, then we can predict that once in power, they will inevitably seek more of it and will try to hold on to it as much as possible.

This is why the saying “power corrupts” is not entirely true. Often, it’s the opposite: Corruption empowers. People who are corrupt are so because that’s an efficient way to get power, which is what they were after all along. Moreover, understanding that people in power are mostly interested in power helps explain why power structures are generally much better at perpetuating themselves than at solving the problems of the powerless.

In, clients often benefit from reflecting on how the outcome they repeatedly get—noxious, troubling, and contrary to their stated aims as it is—may be the actual intended goal of their actions. If you feel that your romantic partners repeatedly mistreat you, then your goal may be to feel mistreated.

  1. The question, then, is not, “Why am I failing to find good love?” But rather, “What is it about being unloved that I find gratifying?” Interestingly,, behavior does not only reflect our values and attitudes but may help create them.
  2. A change in attitudes, values, or habits often begins with—and is facilitated by—a change in behavior.

In other words, to paraphrase, for teeth to evolve, a species needs to start biting. To paraphrase, if you want to develop courage, stop running away. In sum, we may conclude that over time, under conditions of relative freedom of choice, and with regard to non-incidental outcomes, actions tend to speak more truthfully than words.

More often than we’d like to admit, the true goal of people’s behavior is not the declared or stated outcome, but the actual one. To understand people (including ourselves) better, we are thus well advised to use behavior as our guide. To understand what we’re truly after, we may want to look at what we’re constantly getting.

More from Psychology Today Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. When Actions Don : Follow the Action: Behavior Speaks More Truth Than Words

Do actions speak louder than words in a relationship?

The Greater the Actions, the Louder the Words – Whoever said actions speak louder than words missed an essential point — it is not an either/or scenario at all. Actions in relationships mostly come with the “and” of words. The ones who are quick to do things for you are also quick to talk your ears off.

  1. It is so naturally human that it cannot be avoided.
  2. The more a person cares about you and does for you, the more they expect from you and of you.
  3. Actions come with expectations, and these expectations get expressed in words (or shouts if they go repeatedly unmet!).
  4. So, if your partner is in charge of cooking dinner and you show up late two nights in a row, rest assured there will be hell to pay the third night — “I’m making the effort to cook and you cannot make the effort to just show up?”.

If they have taken over your laundry, you will surely hear about your dirty clothes strewn all over instead of being in the hamper. If they threw you a huge birthday bash and you don’t have any plans for their birthday, well, you are playing with fire my friend! While we keep complaining about how much our partners nag us, the fact is that it’s pretty much collateral damage – if you want the care, you have to accept the nagging.

Conversely, the ones who are always quietly pleasant (if they even exist) will just not be that emotionally invested in you — they will not do so much. It’s quite simple, really: lesser the actions, lesser the words. If they don’t do as much in the first place, they will not expect as much from you. If they don’t expect as much, they don’t say so much.

That’s probably the reason why relationships that afford both partners a lot of space also work – if no one is waiting for you at home, you don’t get yelled at for coming home late. ⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄ ⌄ Scroll down to continue reading article ⌄

Do narcissists actions match their words?

Their Words Don’t Match Their Actions – Another way covert narcissists show their passive aggression is through the fact that their words don’t match with their actions. For example, they might say something like: “I fully support you, and I am going to be here for you.” But, then they do not follow through with their words as they are not givers,

  1. They might make promises that they will not keep, and they will not help you through your hard times.
  2. You might see them making grandiose gestures of kindness in front of others, but then they will fail to follow up; they will forget to call to check up on you or include you in something.
  3. Covert narcissists are also poor listeners.
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Before someone can start explaining something, they will jump in to explain their own opinion and neglect to listen to the opinions of others. This is a trait that highlights their self-absorption, They tend to think about their own needs, feelings and interests, and disregard others’ opinions.

Is words not matching action manipulation?

Pin on Shitology Quotes People don’t want to hear this, but words not matching actions is called manipulation. And refusing to be held accountable for it is called gaslighting. : Pin on Shitology Quotes

What is it called when someone switches your words around?

How can I stop them? – If you find yourself dealing with that third type, avoid them if at all possible, That’s a form of abuse called “gaslighting”, in which the abuser keeps twisting situations to make you think you are the one who’s being impossible or losing your mind.

This is who they are. They will not stop doing this. Letting them get by with it is not going to reward you or them, and it may even encourage them to do it more. If you have any suspicion you’re in a close relationship with this type of word twister, you may actually be dealing with an emotionally abusive narcissist.

If you are dealing with a narcissist, that will take more than one article to fix. Check out one or more of these books:

Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare Overcome Gaslighting Psychopath Free,

When your word twister is just argumentative (the second type), you may be able to enlighten them about better argument strategies. Most people learn argument from their parents, and many people don’t know how to have healthy arguments. Some people are willing to learn, if only you explain to them why their tendency to look for a fight is obnoxious, and what you wish they’d do instead.

What is it called when someone changes your words against you?

Gaslighting – Gaslighting is a tactic that causes a person to question their reality. This may involve a manipulator lying, denying things they’ve said, twisting facts, and using a person’s words against them. Over time, this creates uncertainty and doubt, and can cause a person to second-guess their experiences.

What do you call someone who refuses to accept the truth?

De·​ni·​al·​ist di-ˈnī(-ə)l-ist. dē- plural denialists. : a person who denies the existence, truth, or validity of something despite proof or strong evidence that it is real, true, or valid : someone who practices denialism.

What does it mean when someone says actions speak louder than words?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words – A great example of an idiom is: “Actions speak louder than words.” At first glance, this may be confusing because actions can’t actually speak. Actions don’t have mouths, therefore they can’t say anything. So what does this really mean? In this expression, actions are more important than words.

Or rather, what someone does has more value than what someone says. For example, a husband can say to his wife, “I love you,” over and over again, but if he never does anything to show her he loves her, then his words become empty or less meaningful. However, when the husband helps his wife clean the kitchen or take care of the kids, then he is actively demonstrating his love for her.

This expression can be used anytime someone’s actions don’t match their words. Other situations where this idiom may be used include parenting, friendship, education, business, and leadership. It’s definitely a good reminder for everyone to be intentional and to do what you say you will do.

Should your actions define you?

Your actions define your character, your words define your wisdom, but your treatment of others defines REAL you.

Why do actions not speak louder than words?

Actions are always about goals. The environment is important too. – People often need to use different actions in different environments to achieve the same results. A could use the words, “I really aced that chemistry exam. I got 95 percent,” and, “I really bombed that chemistry exam, but who needs chemistry anyway? I couldn’t be bothered studying for it,” to achieve the same goal of impressing others, depending on whether their environment at the time contains parents or peers.

The goal perspective provides an opportunity to rethink our ideas about truth and lies, honesty and dishonesty. When someone produces a string of words that don’t seem to correspond with any actual event or occurrence, thinking about background goals that might be relevant could help to clarify the situation.

While on a family vacation, perhaps Shiloh says to Kai, “Are you checking work emails again?” “Absolutely not!” Kai replies with a quick swipe of the smartphone screen. “So which movie did we decide on?” “Kai, we were planning where to go for dinner.” “Oh! Yep, sure.

Got it.” Shiloh could get annoyed at what seems like a blatant fib on Kai’s part and a reneging on an agreement they had made, or what might be of greater interest could be thinking about the goals that are uppermost in Kai’s mind. Perhaps Kai has a goal to enjoy this family time together and another goal to maintain a good impression with an overbearing and demanding manager.

Discussions about goals and how to gratify them can be helpful for increasing contentment and harmony in individuals and relationships. This is not a comment or judgment on the of truth but a suggestion for deepening the appreciation we have of ourselves and each other.

Actions don’t speak louder than words. Words are actions. To understand another person as clearly as possible, we need to consider all that they do in terms of the goals they might be tending and the environments in which they are tending them. Goals are what it’s all about. Actions, including the words we produce, are what we do to ensure we continue living in the world as we like it to be.

More from Psychology Today Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. When Actions Don More from Psychology Today : Actions Don’t Speak Louder Than Words

Why actions are more powerful than words?

Who Said, “Action Speaks Louder Than Words”? – Actions speak louder than words usage trend. The common phrase “action speaks louder than words” is traced back to a sermon in 1200. It was first said by St. Anthony of Padua, This insightful statement was later used with different phrasing by personalities such as Benjamin Franklin, Dale Carnegie, and Mark Twain.

Which is more important in love words or action?

Actions Speak Louder Than Words People say things and make promises they have no intention of keeping on a daily basis. You can tell someone you love him or her as many times as you want, but until your behavior coincides with that, the other person will probably not believe you.

  • Some feelings cannot be expressed in mere words; they require actions to speak for them.
  • Words are cheap, anyone can tell someone they love them, but they will not feel the immensity of these emotions until they are acted upon.
  • This concept applies to almost every situation in a person’s life.
  • In relationships, if one partner is consistently coming home late from work and not answering his or her phone, the other will probably think this person is cheating.

This is a valid concern, since the partner’s actions are running contrary to how a relationship should be. This concern will only grow as the actions contradict the faithful promises that were once made. No protests of love will be able to convince otherwise because the actions are looked at over the words.

  • Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.” Promises mean nothing without proof.
  • People lie all the time and say things just to appease others.
  • You can only learn about a person’s true character by watching their behaviors toward you and toward others.

Actions should meet verbal commitments, not conflict them. If you promise something, people might not believe you until they see you actually do it. If we give off two contradictory messages, verbal and nonverbal, people will have the tendency to believe the nonverbal over the verbal.

  • We must consistently monitor our actions so that they coincide with the words we say.
  • Words are easy to throw around, but it takes a righteous person to follow through with actions that back them up.
  • When all is said and done, more is always said than done.” The way people conduct themselves in different situations is a greater determinant of behavior and character than the words through which they choose to express themselves.

What you do holds much more significance than what you say. The act of teaching a lesson demonstrates how effective this concept is. People want to have a leader whom they can admire that fulfills their common goals. If you want to convince people to listen to you, you need to do what you say.

  1. Most often, lessons are more effective when put into practice rather than just receiving a lecture.
  2. People may not tell you how they feel about you, but they always show you.
  3. Pay attention.” Many people have trouble expressing their emotions to partners because of the way their parents treated them and each other.

If a child does not see his parents embracing each other and acting lovingly toward one another, they mature thinking this interaction is normal. Furthermore, if children are not embraced or hugged by their parents as they grow up, they will not believe they are truly loved.

  1. Action speaks more powerfully than words, but when you use words as your actions, you probably won’t stop talking.” We can apologize for our mistakes over and over, but if our actions do not change, the words become meaningless.
  2. You need to be careful of what you say to someone who loves you, if you are not able to support what you say with actions.

It is much more effective to simply act the way you wish to instead of giving someone false hope. Do not lead this person to believe you are actually remorseful if you are just going to go back to your destructive behavior. At the end of the day, whatever your actions may be will show what you are trying to prove.

How does a narcissist apologize?

Narcissism Essential Reads – The Get-Off-My-Back Apology: “Enough already.” “Fine! I’m sorry, okay!” “Okay, I am sorry, for chrissakes.” “Give me a break, I am sorry, alright?” “What do you want me to do, climb up on the cross?” Either in words or tone, such grudging apologies don’t offer healing.

They may even feel like threats. In narcissists’ efforts to avoid blame, they often combine several fake apologies at once, such as, “I am sorry if I said anything to offend you, but I have strong opinions. Maybe you’re too sensitive,” or, “I guess I should tell you I am sorry. But you know I would never deliberately hurt you.

I was just trying to help.” A true apology, by contrast, has most or all of the following characteristics:

Doesn’t contain conditions or minimize what was done. Shows that the person apologizing understands and has empathy for the offended person’s experience and feelings. Shows remorse. Offers a commitment to avoid repeating the hurtful behavior in the future. Offers to make amends or provide restitution where appropriate.

When Actions Don Source: S_karau/Shutterstock To apologize, one needs to honestly hear what happened from the other person’s point of view and how it affected them. But narcissists tend not to be interested in listening to others, particularly if the topic is something the narcissists may have done wrong.

As therapist and author Harriet Lerner wrote, “More than anything, the hurt party needs to know that we really ‘get it,’ that our empathy and remorse are genuine, that the feelings make sense, that we will carry some of the pain we’ve caused, and that we will do our best to make sure there’s no repeat performance.” Unfortunately, expressing empathy and remorse is often a bridge too far for most narcissists.

Copyright 2020 Dan Neuharth Ph.D., MFT A version of this post also appears on PsychCentral, Facebook image: fizkes/Shutterstock

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What are the red flags of a narcissist?

– Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a Cluster B personality disorder characterized by an over-inflated sense of self, lack of empathy, and an intense need for admiration. NPD is estimated to affect 7.7% of males and 4.8% of females in the general population, so you may have encountered a person with narcissism or have even dated someone with these traits.

A partner with narcissistic traits is more likely to play games, act in manipulative ways, and exploit you for their benefit. If a person you’re dating exhibits these traits, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is doomed. However, a relationship with a narcissist may also be different than what you are used to.

For instance, dating a person with narcissistic traits may require accommodations, shifts in expectations, and an understanding that there is significant potential for hurt. Many people with narcissism are unaware of their condition, making it especially important you enter the relationship prepared for some toxic behavior.

Lacking empathy. They seem unable or unwilling to have empathy for others, and they appear to have no desire for emotional intimacy. Unrealistic sense of entitlement. They expect others to cater to their desires and may get angry when corrected, put out, or treated as if they’re “common.” Needs to be the center of attention. They may get unreasonably distressed if they feel ignored or if someone else gets more attention than they do. Displays arrogant behaviors and attitudes. They may constantly talk about their successes, romantic conquests, or money. They might “complain” about how much they get hit on. Exploits and takes advantage of others. They use others for their own gain. For instance, they might be “friends” with someone just so they can use their pool or get rides to work. Regularly talks about their fantasies of power, success, or beauty. Conversations often revolve around material things and never get too deep. Behaves as if they’re exceptionally “special.” They feel like they can only be understood by other “special” people. Envious of others or think that others are envious of them. They may gossip about people they’re secretly envious of, or make up their own reasons for why that person is successful, attractive, well-liked, etc. (“She only looks good because of all that plastic surgery.”)

What are indicators of manipulation?

Manipulation: Symptoms to Look For Medically Reviewed by on April 03, 2023 It’s natural for people in relationships to as the relationship grows. Sometimes these issues stem from emotions or greed. One type of problem that can surface in any type of relationship is manipulation.

  • Learn the signs of manipulation and what to do about it if it happens in your relationships.
  • Manipulation is the exercise of harmful influence over others.
  • People who manipulate others attack their mental and emotional sides to get what they want.
  • The person doing the manipulating, called the manipulator, seeks to create an imbalance of power.

They take advantage of you to get power, control, benefits, and/or privileges. Manipulation can happen in, but they are more common in closely formed relationships. It includes any attempt to sway someone’s emotions to get them to act or feel a certain way.

GuiltComplainingComparingLyingDenyingFeigning ignorance or innocenceBlame Mind games

Manipulation can happen in many forms. In fact, acting kind can be a form of manipulation, depending on the intent. People who manipulate others have common traits that you can look for. They include:

They know your weaknesses and how to exploit them.They use your insecurities against you.They convince you to give up something important to you, to make you more dependent on them.If they succeed in their manipulation, they will continue to do so until you get out of the situation.

Other signs of manipulation include: Location Advantage A manipulator will try to bring you out of your comfort zone and places that you are familiar with to have an advantage over you. This can be in any place that the manipulator feels ownership of or in control.

  1. Manipulation of Facts A manipulator will lie to you, make excuses, blame you, or strategically share facts about them and withhold other truths.
  2. In doing this, they feel they are gaining power over you and gaining intellectual superiority.
  3. Exaggeration and Generalization Manipulators exaggerate and generalize.

They may say things like, “No one has ever loved me.” They use vague accusations to make it harder to see the holes in their arguments. Cruel Humor This tactic used by manipulators is meant to poke at your weaknesses and make you feel insecure. By making you look bad, they feel a sense of psychological superiority.

This tactic is used by the manipulator to confuse you and make you question your own reality. The manipulation happens when you confront the abuse or lies and the manipulator tells you that it never happened. In passive aggression, the manipulator doesn’t voice negative feelings toward or problems with a person.

Instead, they find indirect ways to express their anger and undermine the other person. Emotional manipulators will often agree to a project or action, then seek passive-aggressive ways to let the other person know they don’t really want to be doing it.

Sullenness or cynicismIntentional mistakes and procrastinationComplaints about being underappreciated or somehow cheated out of somethingResentment and covert opposition

People can be passive-aggressive for many reasons that aren’t always intended to manipulate. But chronic (long-term) manipulators will use this tactic to make you feel guilty and give backhanded compliments. They are doing this to show anger without directly being angry, making you feel confused.

  • Social and Emotional Bullies don’t always use physical violence.
  • Constant criticism, raised voices, and threats are forms of emotional bullying.
  • Social bullying can take the form of rumor spreading or deliberate exclusion.
  • Other forms include intellectual and bureaucratic bullying.
  • In intellectual bullying, someone tries to claim the role of subject matter expert, making another person feel inadequate and dependent on them for information.

Bureaucratic bullying is the use of red tape – laws, procedures, or paperwork – to overwhelm someone or subvert their goals. Distortion Another strategy used by emotionally manipulative people is to twist facts or other information needed to accurately assess a situation.

In some cases, the manipulator will simply lie or claim ignorance about something. Guilt and Sympathy Many people are highly susceptible to guilt. Some even go so far as to punish themselves in response to things they feel guilty about. Emotionally manipulative people prey on this vulnerability. They may play the victim or remind you of past favors.

They want you to feel a sense of obligation or sympathy that they think will make them more likely to get what they want.

Withdrawal The simplest example of this kind of emotional manipulation is the silent treatment, when someone punishes you by ignoring you. Comparison

Sometimes a manipulative person will compare you to someone else in order to goad you. They may use a specific person to make you feel insecure or try to establish a sense that “everyone else” is doing whatever they want you to do. They may even recruit others to pressure you into a certain emotion or action.

  1. Manipulation of Circumstance This strategy may be as simple as someone insisting you meet them in their home or office, where they feel most powerful.
  2. Or they may create a constraint, such as a deadline, to try to pressure you into making their preferred decision.
  3. Love-Bombing: Overwhelming and Unearned Closeness Showering a new acquaintance with praise and affection, also called “love-bombing,” is a common tactic of emotional manipulation.

It’s even used in cults. An emotional manipulator may try to bind you to them through manufactured vulnerability or an artificially accelerated relationship. Constant The manipulator does not hide their manipulation behind humor or “good fun.” In this case, they’re open about judging, ridiculing, and dismissing you.

  1. They want to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong, and that no matter what you do, you will be inadequate to them.
  2. They only focus on negative aspects and don’t offer constructive solutions.
  3. Manipulation can be hard to identify or admit to when it happens to you.
  4. You are not at fault and you may not be able to prevent it.

But there are things you can do to reduce the emotional impact of manipulation. Here are ways to in a relationship:

Communicate in clear, direct, and specific ways.Understand when manipulation is not normal and needs to be addressed.Set boundaries around manipulation and find a way to let the person know that you understand they are manipulating you, and that you don’t want to be a part of that conversation.Seek out a trusted person, who is not under the influence of the manipulator, and ask their advice about your situation.

Being able to identify manipulation is a large part of your solution. If manipulation is coming from a loved one, it can be very difficult to seek help. But manipulation can take a toll on your own emotional well-being. So it’s important that you find a safe way out of the situation.

Relationship counselorFriendsTrusted family membersNational Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

© 2023 WebMD, LLC. All rights reserved. : Manipulation: Symptoms to Look For

What is emotionally manipulative language?

– During a disagreement or fight, a manipulative person will make dramatic statements that are meant to put you in a difficult spot. They’ll target emotional weaknesses with inflammatory statements in order to elicit an apology. For example:

“If you leave me, I don’t deserve to live.””If you can’t be here this weekend, I think it shows your level of dedication to this office.”

What do you call someone who goes against their own words?

Recalcitrant Definition & Meaning – Merriam-Webster.

What is it called when someone goes against their own word?

Other forms: reneged; reneging; reneges To renege is to go back on your word or fail to keep a promise. Not quite lying, reneging is more a sin of omission — failing to do what you said you would. The Latin negāre means “to deny,” so by reneging on your word, you are denying someone whatever you promised them.

verb fail to fulfill a promise or obligation noun the mistake of not following suit when able to do so

DISCLAIMER: These example sentences appear in various news sources and books to reflect the usage of the word ‘renege’, Views expressed in the examples do not represent the opinion of Vocabulary.com or its editors. Send us feedback EDITOR’S CHOICE

What is it called when you are not able to decide in one word?

If you’re indecisive, you have a hard time making decisions. When you finally do make a decision, you may not be confident about it, or you might change your mind. Another definition for indecisive is not definitely settling something, like when election results are too close to call or some result has been called into question.

adjective characterized by lack of decision and firmness “an indecisive manager brought the enterprise to a standstill” Synonyms: on the fence, undecided characterized by indecision hesitant, hesitating lacking decisiveness of character; unable to act or decide quickly or firmly suspensive undecided or characterized by indecisiveness irresolute uncertain how to act or proceed adjective not definitely settling something “a long and indecisive war” Synonyms: inconclusive not conclusive; not putting an end to doubt or question irresolute uncertain how to act or proceed adjective not clearly defined ” indecisive boundaries running through mountains” Synonyms: indefinite vague or not clearly defined or stated

DISCLAIMER: These example sentences appear in various news sources and books to reflect the usage of the word ‘indecisive’, Views expressed in the examples do not represent the opinion of Vocabulary.com or its editors. Send us feedback EDITOR’S CHOICE

What is it called when someone changes your words against you?

Gaslighting – Gaslighting is a tactic that causes a person to question their reality. This may involve a manipulator lying, denying things they’ve said, twisting facts, and using a person’s words against them. Over time, this creates uncertainty and doubt, and can cause a person to second-guess their experiences.